My 1st Anniversary!!!!~

Last of 6th Nov is my 1st anniversary with my own ELfamily!!!!~
Weee!!!~ we are already one year old!!! Haha.. never thought that... hehe...
I know I'm rather complicated myself... It's must be hard on you guys rite?..
Melly unnie... Lia unnie.. my two awesome unnies!!!
Even we are far apart... our hearts is one rite??!~
Hyosonn saeng... Tiqah saeng... my two fav dongsaengs!!!~
We still haven't meet yet even we living in the same country~
Hehe~ I think Malaysia is BIG ENOUGH to travel alone.. hihi...
Tiqah even dreams bout me being a baby~ huahahaha~
maybe it's cuz I'm always being "gediks" wenever I talk to her~
Hyosonn aaa.. we almost can meet up when "Hari Belia" or when you came to Kajang visit your younger sis..
But I blew it.. didn't I?.. I'm so sorry ne... I don't think I deserve to be a real friend to you...
Actually... being an ELF...
I got to know many wonderful people..
I got to know and be friends with them..
Safura unnie..Sunie... Fatehah.. Safi.. Afiqah.. Fiq.. Nani.. Ezzati... Atiqah saeng... Sry saeng... Kira saeng.. Nia saeng.. Another Kira... Nana... Yuni.. Ahn... Izra saeng.. Izzy saeng.. Mirul... and many many other ELF all around the world!!~

My life before this...
It's not life..
I guess you knew it, right?
But slowly... I learnt..
slowly... I accept it..
Little by little...
sometime I just can't take it.. broke down to tears...
You guys advised me to be strong... stay strong...
Even we had fought cuz me being so complicated..
but we being forgiven right?..
We forgive each other like real family does...
Don't think me .. as a good person...
cuz I'm not...
You guys know it rite?..
I swore a lot...
I did bad things more than my good deeds..
I'm being this good because...
Actually...
I'm touched.. by your love...
I never never thought someone could love me like this...
I meant like.. Even my real sisters.. being busy with their life...
You guys... Kak Linda .. Kak Amal... Super Junior...
had taught me about love.. how to treat people right...
How to be strong and be positive... think of Allah...
Allah had sent you guys to me...
to look after me...
to cheer me up when I was down...
to wipe my tears away when I cry...
to be there whenever I need someone to hug me...
to tell me...that...
someone is watching over me...

I think .. it's all for now...
One sentence... for you guys...
Thank you so much for taking care of me...
I love you guys so much!~

I just wanna end this pain... anyone?

My whole body aching... I don't know why... in every veins... it's hurt so bad... should I be telling my parent about this? I shouldn't right? I don't want them to worry about me anymore.. enough for the pain I caused them when I was little. They tried so hard to saved my life... their dearest daughter... If I feel the pain... I acted like nothing happened... because I know I'm strong enough to bear the pain.. I'm not a little girl anymore... I must help my mom doing the house chores and stuff... She need my help... She only got me... The one whom she can lean on... I shouldn't give up right? She let me singing & listening & watching kpop each time I'm done with the house chores. What more I can ask for? I think it more than enough for me cuz I love music so much... I like singing and composing new song.. I think it's my passion anyway~ 
but... but... lately I woke up late every morning.... makes my mom mad at me.. she blame kpop again... *sigh* I wish I can tell her everything... that my whole body aching... I know there's something wrong happen with my body system but I'm just too scared to face it... 
Today my dad scolded me because he says I'm not helping my mom much... Don't he know I tried hard to please them? it's really hurts me inside... I listen to them more than my other siblings... yet.. he scolded me...
It's really hurts me... I don't know what else I should do... 
All my plan.. vanished in just one day... it's hurts again... I tried to forget those problem... I tried hard not to break down and cry in front of kak linda & kak amal... I don't want them to worry & think I'm such pathetic person. I wanted to be a strong girl and face it like a mature woman.. 
In my life there's so many BUT and NO... Even I feel sorry for myself ... I can't enjoy myself... pampered myself... All I got is house chores and tears ... I wonder when it will stop? will it stop once I stop breathing?
I don't know ... I don't know what to do... I can't tweet all these problems... some might think I'm such attention seeker... well.. I'm not... All I need is ... a wall... a wall to write everything... to make it gone from my mind & heart...
Recently I knew that Super Junior will come to Msia this december... I wanted to go... not for a concert... but I wanna see Lee Donghae as person... I wanna see his face closer.. but... there's no way I can go... in my life there's always BUT & NO right? This time my mom will use BOTH... I can go but who's going to take me there? to the place? If I go with my friends... Of cuz it's going to have car .. but I'm going to going home late at night.. so It's always be a NO.